Love,
Never has a word been more attributed to the absolute destruction and progression of human development. The Greeks had Aphrodite: the goddess of love, desire, and beauty. The Romans, likewise, had Venus who encompassed fertility and sex. But, how long would Venus have waited to text her crush back? Would the Romans have praised a goddess for Tinder as well? While leaving your love life up to a worshipped deity was an option in the past: today things are much different. Okay, I get it. Maybe comparing present day to a time where human sacrifice was relatively, well relative, is a stretch. So how about we compare love to when our parents were in love?
Marriage
In the past, not only was marrying young common, it was expected. In Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, he interviewed a New York City retirement community. In the focus group he found that then, the average age of marriage was 22 for women and 23 for men. Fast forward to present day, the average age for tying the knot is currently 27 for women and 29 for men. So what changed? Well, a lot.
Oddly enough, love wasn’t the only reason people got married. For many people, especially women, marriage was the first real chance at independence. Before the 1960s, single women simply didn’t live alone and shared housing with “working” girls was vilified. This meant that most women spent their time at home, typically under heavy adult supervision. Yes, that means no “Netflix and Chill”. As Ansari writes, “For women in this era, it seemed that marriage was the easiest way of acquiring the basic freedoms of adulthood” (18).
Not to forget, men needed women too. Traditionally speaking, more kids meant more hands to help out, whether this was around the house or on the farm. Men needed women to start a family and carry on their last name. This isn’t to say that your parents weren’t in love when they got married. I’m sure they were quite fond of each other. At the same time, however, they had a different agenda than we do now. Back then, a guy needed a girl and girl really needed a guy. In today’s society, marriage is looked at as more of a luxury than a necessity. Nobody has to get married.
More Fish in the Sea
Despite the decreases in marriage, our options have significantly increased. Our once shallow dating pools are now bottomless oceans. In 1932, sociologist James Bossard looked through 5,000 consecutive marriage licenses in Philadelphia. Bossard found that 33% of the couples that got married lived within a 5-block radius of each other. 1 out of 6 lived on the same block and 1 out of 8 lived in the same building. Take a moment. Think of the people you grew up with in your neighborhood. Which one would you spend the rest of your life with? I’ll wait. No, no, I insist. Him? Really?
With advancements in technology, such as cellphones and transportation: there a truly “more fish in the sea.” But, are there too many fish? Are our immense amounts of options good or bad? In the past, people met primarily by home, in the work place, or through mutual friends. All of which took place in real life. Today, we aren’t just limited to the dimwits in our building, or even our neighborhood. Because of online dating such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Bumble, we have gained access to millions of dimwits around the world. Surely with these many choices you’re bound to find your soul mate, right? I’m not so sure. To illustrate, picture yourself at a dim-lit restaurant (don’t close your eyes, you need to read). As you sit down, you are given a menu with 3 options: fish, chicken, or steak. I myself am going to choose the steak because it’s the best for me out of the 3. Now, imagine the waiter coming back and apologizing because he gave you the wrong menu. You look down to find the new menu has 36 options, some of which include:
Never has a word been more attributed to the absolute destruction and progression of human development. The Greeks had Aphrodite: the goddess of love, desire, and beauty. The Romans, likewise, had Venus who encompassed fertility and sex. But, how long would Venus have waited to text her crush back? Would the Romans have praised a goddess for Tinder as well? While leaving your love life up to a worshipped deity was an option in the past: today things are much different. Okay, I get it. Maybe comparing present day to a time where human sacrifice was relatively, well relative, is a stretch. So how about we compare love to when our parents were in love?
Marriage
In the past, not only was marrying young common, it was expected. In Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, he interviewed a New York City retirement community. In the focus group he found that then, the average age of marriage was 22 for women and 23 for men. Fast forward to present day, the average age for tying the knot is currently 27 for women and 29 for men. So what changed? Well, a lot.
Oddly enough, love wasn’t the only reason people got married. For many people, especially women, marriage was the first real chance at independence. Before the 1960s, single women simply didn’t live alone and shared housing with “working” girls was vilified. This meant that most women spent their time at home, typically under heavy adult supervision. Yes, that means no “Netflix and Chill”. As Ansari writes, “For women in this era, it seemed that marriage was the easiest way of acquiring the basic freedoms of adulthood” (18).
Not to forget, men needed women too. Traditionally speaking, more kids meant more hands to help out, whether this was around the house or on the farm. Men needed women to start a family and carry on their last name. This isn’t to say that your parents weren’t in love when they got married. I’m sure they were quite fond of each other. At the same time, however, they had a different agenda than we do now. Back then, a guy needed a girl and girl really needed a guy. In today’s society, marriage is looked at as more of a luxury than a necessity. Nobody has to get married.
More Fish in the Sea
Despite the decreases in marriage, our options have significantly increased. Our once shallow dating pools are now bottomless oceans. In 1932, sociologist James Bossard looked through 5,000 consecutive marriage licenses in Philadelphia. Bossard found that 33% of the couples that got married lived within a 5-block radius of each other. 1 out of 6 lived on the same block and 1 out of 8 lived in the same building. Take a moment. Think of the people you grew up with in your neighborhood. Which one would you spend the rest of your life with? I’ll wait. No, no, I insist. Him? Really?
With advancements in technology, such as cellphones and transportation: there a truly “more fish in the sea.” But, are there too many fish? Are our immense amounts of options good or bad? In the past, people met primarily by home, in the work place, or through mutual friends. All of which took place in real life. Today, we aren’t just limited to the dimwits in our building, or even our neighborhood. Because of online dating such as Tinder, OkCupid, and Bumble, we have gained access to millions of dimwits around the world. Surely with these many choices you’re bound to find your soul mate, right? I’m not so sure. To illustrate, picture yourself at a dim-lit restaurant (don’t close your eyes, you need to read). As you sit down, you are given a menu with 3 options: fish, chicken, or steak. I myself am going to choose the steak because it’s the best for me out of the 3. Now, imagine the waiter coming back and apologizing because he gave you the wrong menu. You look down to find the new menu has 36 options, some of which include:
Menu
Blackened Tilapia
Blackened Tilpaia w/ rice
Glazed Salmon
Mahi-Mahi
Mahi-Mahi Sandwich
The waiter comes back
Fried Chicken
Friend Chicken w/ waffles
Buffalo Chicken
Panic ensues
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
Sweet and Sour Chicken
He asks for your order
Bourbon Chicken
You panic more
Bourbon Chicken w/ rice and vegetables
New York Strip
Prime Rib
You can't decide
Filet Migon
Filet Migon w/ mash potatoes
Filet Migon w/ mash potatoes AND vegetables
You leave the restaurant
Blackened Tilapia
Blackened Tilpaia w/ rice
Glazed Salmon
Mahi-Mahi
Mahi-Mahi Sandwich
The waiter comes back
Fried Chicken
Friend Chicken w/ waffles
Buffalo Chicken
Panic ensues
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
Sweet and Sour Chicken
He asks for your order
Bourbon Chicken
You panic more
Bourbon Chicken w/ rice and vegetables
New York Strip
Prime Rib
You can't decide
Filet Migon
Filet Migon w/ mash potatoes
Filet Migon w/ mash potatoes AND vegetables
You leave the restaurant
This, in a nutshell, is dating in 2016. Instead of a handful of choices, we have thousands. What used to be a relatively simple question has become more complicated than we may realize.
Let's say, finally, you do make a choice. You are constantly looking at all the other choices on display all day, every day on social media. Exchanging comments and likes with people you may have never seen outside your iPhone. These daily "interactions" create the illusion that you have better options elsewhere. When in reality, the people you follow online aren't always as amazing as they seem. Instead of investing our all in the people we actually do have, we fantasize about the people we don't.
How many people do you need to date to know you've found the best? The answer is: 7 billion. You would need to date every single person on Earth. This mindset is mad and a direct path to complete misery.
Flying Fish
Similar to today's options, our expectations have equally expanded. Due to pop culture, we have been exposed to these fairytale-like stories that rarely come to exist in real life. From seeing Cinderella in childhood to watching The Notebook as a young adolescent, we have been programmed from early on to pursue this ideal person. This isn't to say that we shouldn’t have high standards. Love in its most pure form, is one of the highest points of fulfillment a person can reach. However, there is a distinct difference between high standards and unrealistic ones.
A few decades ago, a person had to be decent: not Prince Charming, not Cinderella, just plain decent. As long as you weren't classified as clinically senile and were employed, you made the cut. Now we expect our partner to right all our wrongs, and paint a picture of a thousand suns by breakfast time.
A guy wants a girl to be: Down to earth (but not boring)
Sexy (but not too sexy)
Nice (but not too friendly)
Short (but not that short)
Tall (but not taller than him)
Nice laugh
Into sports (but not more than he’s comfortable)
Be herself (except that thing she does)
Funny (but knows when to be serious)
Serious (but knows when to be funny)
Motivated (but not too motivated)
Skinny (but not too skinny)
Thick (but not fat)
Emma Watson (Emma if you're reading this...dinner??)
A girl wants a guy to be: Good guy (but only bad for her)
Bad boy (but only good for her)
Funny (but knows when to be serious)
Honest (but not harshly honest)
Fit (but not too fit)
Confident (but not cocky)
Protective (but not aggressive)
Nice lips
Nice smile
Understanding (but stands up for himself)
Caring (but knows when to put himself first)
Loves dogs (but not cats)
Love cats (but not dogs) Zayn Malik (I got nothing)
Let's say, finally, you do make a choice. You are constantly looking at all the other choices on display all day, every day on social media. Exchanging comments and likes with people you may have never seen outside your iPhone. These daily "interactions" create the illusion that you have better options elsewhere. When in reality, the people you follow online aren't always as amazing as they seem. Instead of investing our all in the people we actually do have, we fantasize about the people we don't.
How many people do you need to date to know you've found the best? The answer is: 7 billion. You would need to date every single person on Earth. This mindset is mad and a direct path to complete misery.
Flying Fish
Similar to today's options, our expectations have equally expanded. Due to pop culture, we have been exposed to these fairytale-like stories that rarely come to exist in real life. From seeing Cinderella in childhood to watching The Notebook as a young adolescent, we have been programmed from early on to pursue this ideal person. This isn't to say that we shouldn’t have high standards. Love in its most pure form, is one of the highest points of fulfillment a person can reach. However, there is a distinct difference between high standards and unrealistic ones.
A few decades ago, a person had to be decent: not Prince Charming, not Cinderella, just plain decent. As long as you weren't classified as clinically senile and were employed, you made the cut. Now we expect our partner to right all our wrongs, and paint a picture of a thousand suns by breakfast time.
A guy wants a girl to be: Down to earth (but not boring)
Sexy (but not too sexy)
Nice (but not too friendly)
Short (but not that short)
Tall (but not taller than him)
Nice laugh
Into sports (but not more than he’s comfortable)
Be herself (except that thing she does)
Funny (but knows when to be serious)
Serious (but knows when to be funny)
Motivated (but not too motivated)
Skinny (but not too skinny)
Thick (but not fat)
Emma Watson (Emma if you're reading this...dinner??)
A girl wants a guy to be: Good guy (but only bad for her)
Bad boy (but only good for her)
Funny (but knows when to be serious)
Honest (but not harshly honest)
Fit (but not too fit)
Confident (but not cocky)
Protective (but not aggressive)
Nice lips
Nice smile
Understanding (but stands up for himself)
Caring (but knows when to put himself first)
Loves dogs (but not cats)
Love cats (but not dogs) Zayn Malik (I got nothing)
Psychotherapist Esther Perel on today’s expectations: “So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence, and mystery, and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it’s a given…” |
What we do: through TV shows, movies, social media, and past relationships we pick and choose our favorite qualities from all sections of our lives and create this “fantasy” person. We are now comparing potential partners not to other potential partners, but rather a glorified person that no one can measure up to. With our endless romantic options, we have convinced ourselves that this person indeed exists.
Today
The important thing to remember is: love changes. The "honeymoon" stage is meant to last the honeymoon and that's okay. There is more to life. There is more to love. If everyone were walking this Earth so intensely in love with each other, nothing would get done. The streets would be set ablaze, looters would raid the markets, and we would inevitably famish until our withered bones collapsed into soil.
Is love really all that different or is just us?
We live in a time where independence is as celebrated, if not, more celebrated than what love once was. And although we may enjoy the company of others, the truth is, nobody needs anybody. Each of us have our own goals and aspirations that are not dependent off something as unpredictable as mutual feelings.
And yet, love still exists. Just as it did when our parents were young. Just as it will when we are old. Never has something so elusive been so easy to find. You find it in your mother's eyes, in a child's laugh, sunrises/sunsets, sad goodbyes and happy hellos, "Did you make it home safe?" texts, bright birthday phone calls, and surprising acts of kindness that give you a little hope. Someone loves you and you love someone. And while people may change over time, love never will.
<3
Today
The important thing to remember is: love changes. The "honeymoon" stage is meant to last the honeymoon and that's okay. There is more to life. There is more to love. If everyone were walking this Earth so intensely in love with each other, nothing would get done. The streets would be set ablaze, looters would raid the markets, and we would inevitably famish until our withered bones collapsed into soil.
Is love really all that different or is just us?
We live in a time where independence is as celebrated, if not, more celebrated than what love once was. And although we may enjoy the company of others, the truth is, nobody needs anybody. Each of us have our own goals and aspirations that are not dependent off something as unpredictable as mutual feelings.
And yet, love still exists. Just as it did when our parents were young. Just as it will when we are old. Never has something so elusive been so easy to find. You find it in your mother's eyes, in a child's laugh, sunrises/sunsets, sad goodbyes and happy hellos, "Did you make it home safe?" texts, bright birthday phone calls, and surprising acts of kindness that give you a little hope. Someone loves you and you love someone. And while people may change over time, love never will.
<3